2 weeks ago
She’d learned to hate the sunrises the most out of all the points in the day. That moment when the new day began and the first pinkish rays of light came over the hills in the distance, flooded through the windows of the ranch house, and stirred her from the blissful ignorance of sleep. She hated it because every morning brought that fleeting moment when she thought it might be a dream.
Then she’d turn over in the bed, reach out across the crisp cotton sheets, and the space next to her would be empty and cold. At that point every morning she realised it wasn’t a dream. He wasn’t there. Like he hadn’t been there for the past 3 months.
That’s when the pain would hit. The deep pain that started in the pit of her stomach and rose up so hard that she thought it must burst from her chest. When it first started, it would bring tears. She’d bury her head into the pillow and sob until her eyes stung and her throat was hoarse. But crying hadn’t changed anything, and there comes a point when you just don’t have tears left.
So there were no tears this morning. She just did what she always did now. She got out of bed and walked across the thick rug on the bedroom floor. Grabbing her thick dressing gown from the back of the chair, she wrapped it around the pyjamas she was wearing. That was something else she’d had to get used to in the last 3 months. When he was here there were no pyjamas; they kept each other warm in bed. She was a young woman, she missed that side of his being gone as much as anything.
Wrapped up, she walked to the dressing table and picked up the two mobile telephones that were always there, always on, and always charged. On the first there were no missed calls and no unread texts. On the second, an iPhone, she checked again for calls and texts, checked her email, and then went online to check for news there.
Nothing.
It had gotten to the point where she hardly expected anything now.
After all, no-one had heard from Rachel Shand’s husband in 3 months.
She walked into the bathroom and mechanically went through the process of showering, then dressed simply in a pair of jeans, a shirt, and a thick sweater. The ranch house was warm of course, but this was still Montana in November, and snow was piled thickly outside.
Montana. They’d come here nearly two years ago at David’s insistence, and when he’d suggested it, Rachel had been happy to make the move. While she loved Asterson House and her native England, she preferred the casualness of the Montana ranch. She loved the horses, the wide open skies, and the wonderful raw beauty of the place. It was a place where she’d hoped they might both be able to relax. Somewhere she thought they might even try for the baby they’d talked about.
David had claimed he simple needed to get away from things for a while and have a chance to focus, but almost immediately after their arrival Rachel knew that that wasn’t the full story. It wasn’t that he was distant, not at first, but for several months he seemed distracted, restless, as though there was a weight on is mind. He’d denied it at first, but as she’d gently probed further, he’d finally told her about that meeting with Myron.
Myron, why did every dark point in their lives have to revolve around Myron?
She stopped herself, that wasn’t fair. None of this was his fault. None of this was anyone’s fault. That was part of what was so hard to deal with.
But David had told her about the meeting, about the things he’d said to Fox, and about the mirror Myron had held back in his face. He’d told her about the hours he spent walking the streets of Manhattan after that meeting, his mind racing, thoughts and memories swirling through his head.
She hadn’t wanted to ask the question, the words caught in her throat more than once. But she asked it anyway. Had Myron been right, was he really happy? When David had turned away from her, unable to meet her gaze, and unable immediately to answer the question, it had been like a thousand knives going through her heart. She’d cried then; cried plenty. He’d tried to explain, to tell her it wasn’t them that he was unhappy with, but himself. But to Rachel it was like a dark cloud descended that day, and it hadn’t lifted since.
She’d watched as he spent more and more time out on the ranch, throwing himself into the physical tasks of raising the cattle and running the land. She’d watched as he worked out in the gym, steadily increasing from the casual workout routines they did together to frenetic sessions that she was no part of, and which left him so exhausted he was barely able to stand when he had finished.
He got up earlier and earlier each morning, came to bed later and later. They didn’t ride the horses like they used to, didn’t stop for a cup of coffee or a conversation; didn’t spend time on the sofas watching a movie. David got up, David worked on the land, David worked in the gym, and finally David slept.
But most of all, David changed.
And then, three months ago, she’d been sitting on the back porch of the ranch house, the warm August son setting in the distance and bathing the entire scene in a deep blood red colour. He’d walked out onto porch and sat in the chair beside her. Taking her hand in his, he’d told her he had to go away; that he had to leave her and get away from everyone, everything. He’d said he didn’t expect her to fully understand why – and that was good because she didn’t – but that he knew that the final stage of the journey, the final bit of the puzzle, couldn’t be found here. She’d begged him, pleaded with him, told him that wherever he needed to go, she’d go with him, but it was no use; his mind was set. He asked her to believe he’d never stop loving her, and that he’d be back. She’d promised to believe both, and she’d kissed him goodbye,
That kiss was three months ago. She’d almost stopped believing.
Now she walked down the stairs and out of the front of the house. The rising sun was directly ahead of her, and she had to shield her eyes from its glare and the reflected light coming from the snow. It was crisp, still silent.
And then she heard it. The noise was faint at first, and then grew louder, the sound of an engine coming from the direction of the access road to the ranch. She turned slightly, using her hand to frame her eyes, and now she saw the shape of a bright red pick-up truck crest the hill and come barrelling down the road toward the house. She watched it approach, and stop directly in front of her line of site. The door opened.
The tall figure climbed from the cab, setting a booted foot on the ground before a second, joined to muscled legs and a thick torso dressed in black. Shoulder-length hair framed the face silhouetted against the sun behind it.
Rachel’s heart leapt into her throat. The coffee cup she had been holding tumbled, shattering on the hard ground below it.
“David?”
“Rachel?”
And it that moment the illusion was shattered. For the voice didn’t belong to her husband. It was higher, younger. It belonged to her 16 year old son, Luke.
Luke stepped forward, obscuring the sun so that he dropped out of silhouette, and now she could see the difference. His hair was blonde for a start, and while blessed with the genetics of his father which gave him height and quite the physique for a 16 year old, in reality he was nowhere near his father’s size. Luke had gained his driver’s licence earlier that year just after his birthday. Sometimes she forgot how fast he’d grown up.
As he spoke to her now, Rachel had to fight down the leaden stone that had replaced her stomach.
Just for a moment….
“Rachel, are you OK?”
She tried her best to smile, but now tears were welling in her eyes despite herself.
“Yes, yes Luke….I’m fine…..I just…….sometimes you look so much like him, you know?”
Luke reached out and pulled her into him, giving her a hug. His voice cracked as well.
“I know….I’m sorry…..no news?”
“No. Did you try calling him?”
Luke nodded. They had an agreement that both of them would call David’s cell phone numbers at least once a day and leave a voicemail message. They didn’t know if David had his phones on him, or if he was picking up messages. But if he was, they wanted him to know they were still thinking about him.
“Where have you been?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I just…..I don’t know I needed to get away. I thought about going to look for a Christmas tree but……..”
Luke didn’t finish the sentence. They both knew the reality was that neither of them felt much like celebrating Christmas.
“Where is he, Rach? Where’s Dad gone?”
“Baby I wish I knew? God I wish I knew”
“I’m so sorry……I…”
Rachel broke the embrace, reaching up to grab the boy’s face in her hands
“Hey, look, we aren’t doing that again. This….none of this, is your fault!”
Tears were tumbling down Luke’s face now, his shoulders shaking as he tried to control himself.
“But if I hadn’t goaded him. Hadn’t asked him about taking up wrestling again. If I’d kept my mouth shut….”
“Luke, none of this is your fault. Your Dad didn’t leave because of what you said. It was bigger than that. I don’t understand it fully, but…”
Before Rachel could say any more, the door of the house flew open, and the figure of John Higgins, David’s estate manager and basic head of security, charged out. Without pausing, and without saying a word, he headed in the direction of a black Range Rover parked to the left side of the house.
Luke and Rachel looked at each other for moment, and then both ran after him.
“Higgins? Higgins, what’s going on?”
Higgins called over his shoulder, not bothering to turn around
“Morning. Nothing, security matter on the ranch. Go back inside the house”
Neither of them was buying that. Luke overtook Rachel and managed to grab Higgins’ arm
“Higgins. Tell us what’s happening.”
Higgins looked slightly annoyed, but also unsure. “Luke, I’ve told you, it’s a security matter on the estate”
Higgins opened the door of the Range Rover and climbed into the driver’s seat, but Luke grabbed the door frame and stopped him shutting it.
“John, please. Don’t lie to me. You never lied to me. Please tell me the truth”.
Higgins closed the door and started the car’s engine. Finally he turned to Luke and Rachel.
“I know where your father is”
Subject: 2 weeks ago 
Fri Dec 10, 2010 4:29 am