It’s like waking up from a dream. Except there was no moment of confusion, no disorientation. Just a sudden awareness of reality, and just what has been floating around in my head all this time. It was quite startling and incredibly improbable, but it happened nonetheless. I finally understood the situation.
And it was messed up.
I’ve now told Melanie everything, as she deserved an explanation. Usually she’d be able to pick up on my problems just from looking at me, but this time was different. As observant as she is, she couldn’t be expected to decipher the nonsense going on in my brain that even I had trouble approaching, let alone trying to work out.
After we regained our composure a bit, I sat her down in the living room and did my best to put it all into words. It came out surprisingly well, and now she had calmed down Melanie was able to take it in with little protest.
Soudouki and pro wrestling. They’re the same. In my mind, at least.
My ex-girlfriend, somebody I’d spent several years of my life with, was a member of the business before I’d even heard of it. She was practically born into it, after all. Being a member of the Kobayashi family, lead by its patriarch and Japanese puroresu legend Michio “Mick” Kobayashi, she was quickly immersed in the culture. So much so she, to her parents’ objections, requested to be trained in it much like her brothers and sister, Teresa. As much as the family hoped to keep their youngest daughter safe from the risks and terrors that awaited her in the business, she was not the kind of person who would take no for an answer. Not without a severe hissy fit, anyway.
Being a Kobayashi makes you synonymous with pro wrestling. Even though Soudouki didn’t always take it terribly seriously, especially as she became a fickle teenager and even more fickle adult, you could see it in her. The way she moved, the way she spoke, even down to the small things such as how she bent over to tie her shoelaces - I kid you not, she was a wrestler to the core. No matter what she did or how she felt, it was a symbiotic relationship that she couldn’t shake off. Maybe that’s what drew me to her. The business was important to me as well.
The problem was, I’d come to realise over the years, that when it came to both her and wrestling... I just did not cut it for either. Try as I might, and boy did I ever try, it was all in vain. I wasn’t good enough. At first, I never noticed it. Things were going smoothly, and minus the odd hiccup I was able to meet exactly what was demanded of me. But as time went by the hiccups became full-blown tremors, and it became increasingly evident that so many others out there could do the job better than I could’ve hoped to, and I was taking up room that somebody far more accomplished could’ve used.
It was probably for the best that they did, I felt at the time. In regards to wrestling, other new talents were rising and proving themselves far more exciting and talented than I could claim to be. In regards to Soudouki, she had gone back to her longtime former lover, who she had been seeing on the side for several months before breaking it to me.
When Soudouki had left, there was an incredible feeling of negativity surrounding the business whenever I tried to approach it. I knew I had been made pretty much redundant, but even the minutest of attempts to enter it again met with unmitigated failure. The association with Soudouki siphoned all the joy from it. Not only was the wrestling world doing fine without me, but I couldn’t bring myself to go back to it. There was a creeping feeling in my mind that pushed me away.
So why didn’t that very same feeling go away? Granted, it’s been less intense since I left pro wrestling and came back home, but it’s still there and it’s been affecting the way I’ve lived - so much so I couldn’t even see the attraction between Mel and myself. One possible reason it’s still around is I’m having trouble recovering from what happened between Sou and me. It’s hardly unusual for somebody to feel miserable when they’re reminded of a poorly-ended relationship, regardless of what insignificant thing might trigger the memories. In fact, I’d say that’s a good answer to the question.
But that’s not all. There’s something more there, and it’s why I need to go back. It’s why I have to resolve the issues before this eats me up. There’s no way for me to relax here in my new home until I take care of the unfinished business with Soudouki and wrestling.
I know what needs to be done. In regards to wrestling, I need to try just one more time to prove to myself that I can be good enough, that I could be that top star that I felt I could never be when I was in the business before. I need to make that one, big impact that people will remember. In regards to Soudouki, we need to talk everything through like I was too cowardly to when she left me. She was the centre of my life for years, and just letting her walk away was a big mistake. Discussing this with her like adults and maybe getting some goddamned closure is essential.
Especially since there’s one important subject that we absolutely must talk about, even though I’m dreading doing so.
“So that’s it,” I tell Melanie as I finish my explanation, “I can’t move on until this is taken care of.”
She doesn’t say anything for a few moments. As I gaze at her in anticipation from the opposite side of the sofa we’re sharing, I’ve no doubt that she gets it now; she’s just thinking about how to reply. I can see why it would take some thought, as what she says throws me off completely.
“Fine,” she begins, before hitting me with, “But take me with you.”
It’s my turn to hesitate. I wasn’t expecting that in the least. I would’ve been okay with her saying she didn’t want to talk to me any more, or at least with her accusing me of being a massive idiot, which would have been more than fair, but instead she says that.
“Are you kidding me?” I ask, and my god the words I’ve chosen aren’t the best I could’ve gone with by any means.
“No, I’m not,” she informs me with no pause this time around, “If you’re going to do this, there’s no way you’re doing it on your own. Take me with you.” She’s staring me dead in the eyes and I can tell she means it. Oh boy.
“Mel... I can’t do that. It’s something I have to do on my own. Hell, I can only do it on my own. The business is not all that pleasant anyway, especially for women, so it’s best you not get exposed to that...”
“Oh piss off,” she interrupts me, “I can handle myself and I want to be there as you work this out.”
I let out a weary sigh. “Why?” is the best I can manage. Pretty pathetic on my part, I know.
“You expect me to hear that story and not want to see the end of it? Honestly Chris, I thought you knew me.”
Ouch. It’s true though, I should know Melanie better than that. Somebody who’s spent as much time as she has dedicating herself to the art of capoeira, to everything else life threw at her, without giving up and continuing on stronger... how could I expect that of her?
“Besides,” she continues, motioning wildly as she often does when passionate about a subject, “We’ve been friends for an incredibly long time, you know. You’ve always meant a lot to me, your massive idiocy aside.”
Ah, there we go. Deserved that.
“When you went off to fulfil your dream, I let you leave because I’m not the sort of person who’d deny a friend that. You don’t think it killed me, though? To see you out there, putting yourself in harm’s way, even though it was through doing what you loved to do? Worst of all, to not be there while you were doing it? Because I can assure you that it did.”
I didn’t know that. In reality I should have. I’m really regretting falling out of contact with her during that time.
“Not this time, Chris,” she goes on, placing a hand on my shoulder, “I’ve finally got you back here, and if it takes one last foray into that world to keep you here full-time, I at least want to be there to make sure you do it right.”
I’m speechless. The best I can do right now is stare at her like a mindless buffoon. She takes that as a cue to continue.
“You wouldn’t manage it without me anyway,” she says with a smirk, “After all, I can kick your arse with ease. You might as well keep me around so the wrestlers don’t seem scary.”
Finally I say something.
“It’s not going to be easy,” I say as warning, “The business is unforgiving and there’s going to be a lot of travel, even for just this.”
“Not a problem.”
“Travelling with me is a nightmare.”
“I’m more than used to you at this point.”
“I snore like a power drill.”
“Quit your excuses, Reto,” she admonishes me, “I’m going with you.”
I sit and take this all in for a moment. This is a lot all at once.
“I care about you,” she tells me flat-out, before I can formulate a response, “The situation may not be quite as I hoped it to be, but even as a friend I want to do this. Let’s fix your faulty brain.”
Not very often a woman would tell me they’d be happy to travel across the globe for the sake of my mental stability.
”What? Why should I care? Take care of your own shit, you whiny bastard!”
First time it’s happened to me, actually.
The two things that used to be the most important in my life are preventing me from living it now. It’s time to settle this once and for all. It seems I won’t be doing it alone, though.
“Okay, let’s get going,” I state, rising up from the sofa.
“Music to my ears,” she tells me as she follows suit, “Where’s the first stop?”
“Wilko’s. I need a Christmas tree.”
Melanie gives me perhaps the oddest look yet.
“What? Why?”
“Travel during the holidays is a headache. We’ll wait ‘til January. Besides, I love this time of the year. Best get ready!”
She shakes her head in utter disbelief, “What happened to all the urgency to fix your problems?”
“Don’t worry, now it’s all laid out for me, I can wait just a little bit longer.”
“But are you going to be okay? Will you even be able to enjoy Christmas like this?”
“Yeah, I’ll manage. Being around you tends to help me put it aside for a little while, anyway.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere, Christopher,” she laughs.
Flattery or not, I mean it. With Melanie around, the time will be a lot more tolerable up until I finish this. Her coming with me when I do leave may be the best idea after all.
“I’ll need to work on my plan of attack too,” I add, “I can’t just get on a plane and wing it.... if you’ll excuse the pun.”
“Never,” she assures me, “Any rough idea of what you’re going to do, though?”
“I’ve got an inkling,” I reply, “I have to do what I'm most afraid of doing.”
“Um,” Melanie is a little confused, “In regards to what? Soudouki or wrestling?”
“Both.”
It’s sketchy right now, but I know what my respective destinations are. In regards to wrestling, there’s an unfulfilled task that I feel will cement my name as one of the top guys once I’ve completed it. In regards to Soudouki, there’s that one truth I need to tell her that, if I’m honest with myself, ruined the relationship far more than her cheating ever did.
What I wonder is... how do I get to both?
How do I challenge a friend to a fight?
And how do I admit that I was in love with Soudouki’s sister?
Subject: The journey ahead 
Sat Dec 11, 2010 3:47 pm
